Posts Tagged ‘facing fear’

Distrusting The Oracle

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

On my walk through the mist this morning, I was listening to Melody Gardot and thinking about how magical the moment felt. I could feel myself starting to smile and I got a sudden burst of confidence that made me think “this is great – I feel great… I can do anything I want… I could totally go live in England I feel so good.”

And then suddenly my brain projected me into this future England where I’m (inexplicably) throwing a cocktail party. The candles are lit and I’m surrounded by a bunch of strangers whom I’m attempting to make laugh. And I suddenly feel really intimidated and anxious.

Back in the present, as I’m walking, my smile drops and I think to myself… nooooo, I don’t want that. I don’t want to leave here, this town, my hometown, where I don’t have to throw cocktail parties and I don’t have to try to make people laugh and I understand the system. As I continue to stroll along through the mist, less energetic than before, I tighten my coat and reassure myself that I’m not moving to another country anytime soon.

So here’s the thing. This is how your brain screws with you. I started feeling really good and ready to take some risks… so my brain decides to throw a wrench in and make me feel insecure enough to want to stay safe in my comfort zone. I’m here to tell you that your brain cannot always be trusted to make good decisions or to accurately predict how you are going to behave or enjoy any particular situation (read Stumbling on Happiness which talks about this at length)… and yet we treat our brains like an all knowing oracle.

The truth is… if I were to move to England (or anywhere else) where I didn’t have my family and didn’t know anyone, there would be intimidation and anxiety, yes… but there would also be joy, wonder, comfort, delight, romance, frustration, anger, sadness and boredom. Just like there is here, in this town. My brain chose to bring up a vision that would cause me some social anxiety but it could just as easily brought up a vision of me buying mascara at Boots, because that’s what life abroad would mostly be about… those everyday moments that are mostly good and not really all that different.

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Not Too Late, 2008

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008


© Gainsborough Pictures

“I’ve no regrets. I’ve been everywhere and done everything. I’ve eaten caviar at Cannes, sausage rolls at the dogs. I’ve played baccarat at Biarritz and darts with the rural dean. What is there left for me but marriage?”
~Iris Henderson in The Lady Vanishes (1938)

As we approach Thanksgiving and the end of November, I’m curious as to how you are doing with your goals for this year. Are you thankful that you finally asked for a raise or set aside a couple of hours each week to paint or took that dream vacation? Did this past year burn with excitement and possibility or at least flow along with awareness and warmth for yourself and others? I often get inspired by making goal lists (such as Superhero’s Mondo Beyondo list) and books like Write It Down, Make It Happen by Henriette Anne Klauser. It’s too early to talk about making your goal list for 2009, so this post is more like a reminder that 2008 is still going strong.

You’ve got the whole month of December to start a blog, put up an ad on Match, write a song, start an IRA, open an Etsy shop, get a mantra, get off the couch and walk for 30 minutes a day, forgive your last boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/boss/hairdresser/dog/whatever…, or just be grateful for where you are now.

I love the above line from The Lady Vanishes because even though Iris is something of a spoiled socialite, there is a confidence and a “gameness” in her words. She is out there living life to the fullest. And baccarat at Biarritz sounds awfully glamorous and exciting, doesn’t it?

December is coming. Where will you take it?

p.s. Some goals I’m working on for December: walk most days, hand out more House History flyers, cook a nice dinner for my husband, see snow fall, try Mexican hot chocolate, buy or make some handmade gifts, stop freaking out about the economy, take more photos and try to sell one or two, hit up the farmer’s and antique markets, see the Yves Saint Laurent show at the DeYoung, and try to keep my office more tidy.

p.p.s Happy Thanksgiving!!!

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The Elusiveness of Bravery

Friday, August 22nd, 2008

I am not brave. I work myself into an absolute terror sometimes. The calming self-talk helps a little to keep one foot in front of the other but the sudden lightheadedness and rapid heartbeat are dead giveaways. I’m too afraid to do this and that (too many things to list). But like so many books recommend… I do it anyway. (If it’s important enough and I can’t weasel out of it).

A close family member had major (scheduled) surgery yesterday. He was so calm about it. I would have been shaking and weeping and begging to get the thing rescheduled. The operation went perfectly but I was so afraid to visit him. I’d heard he was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t bear to see that. I slowly opened the door and peeked into the hospital room, I would have done so with one hand over my eyes and peering through my fingers if I thought I could get away with it. The bed was empty and he was sitting in a chair. Oh the relief I felt! He looked practically normal! No writhing in pain on the bed – no unsightly blood containers visible… just the telltale heavy lidded eyes and slack jaw that comes from heavy doses of pain medication.

When I grow up I want to be able to do things like “put on a brave face” or have people say “she’s got so much inner strength, it’s amazing”. I want to be like James Bond and just be able to handle anything that’s thrown my way. Car spinning out of control on an icy freeway with a thousand foot drop on one side? Watch this maneuver. Attacked on the streets of midtown after dark? You should see the other guy. Give a speech in front of a hundred company stockholders? They’re laughing in the aisles. Stitch my own wound? Okay maybe I’ve gone too far with this…

I highly recommend the following two books if you ever need to combat fear and “do nothingness” in your life: Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers and The Fear Book by Cheri Huber. Remember that these are just a couple of resources for people who have occasional fear and/or panic. If you have reoccurring panic attacks or bouts of paranoia, please consult with a doctor.

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