On my walk through the mist this morning, I was listening to Melody Gardot and thinking about how magical the moment felt. I could feel myself starting to smile and I got a sudden burst of confidence that made me think “this is great – I feel great… I can do anything I want… I could totally go live in England I feel so good.”
And then suddenly my brain projected me into this future England where I’m (inexplicably) throwing a cocktail party. The candles are lit and I’m surrounded by a bunch of strangers whom I’m attempting to make laugh. And I suddenly feel really intimidated and anxious.
Back in the present, as I’m walking, my smile drops and I think to myself… nooooo, I don’t want that. I don’t want to leave here, this town, my hometown, where I don’t have to throw cocktail parties and I don’t have to try to make people laugh and I understand the system. As I continue to stroll along through the mist, less energetic than before, I tighten my coat and reassure myself that I’m not moving to another country anytime soon.
So here’s the thing. This is how your brain screws with you. I started feeling really good and ready to take some risks… so my brain decides to throw a wrench in and make me feel insecure enough to want to stay safe in my comfort zone. I’m here to tell you that your brain cannot always be trusted to make good decisions or to accurately predict how you are going to behave or enjoy any particular situation (read Stumbling on Happiness
The truth is… if I were to move to England (or anywhere else) where I didn’t have my family and didn’t know anyone, there would be intimidation and anxiety, yes… but there would also be joy, wonder, comfort, delight, romance, frustration, anger, sadness and boredom. Just like there is here, in this town. My brain chose to bring up a vision that would cause me some social anxiety but it could just as easily brought up a vision of me buying mascara at Boots, because that’s what life abroad would mostly be about… those everyday moments that are mostly good and not really all that different.
Tags: facing fear
